Frank T Bird
Louis CK Is Back In Town
And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves...
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Frank T Bird
- May 18
- 4 min
A Night On The Streets
It’s the last night of the moon cycle So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my...
270
Frank T Bird
- Nov 29, 2021
- 4 min
Colonic Irrigation is a Fucking Nightmare
Imagine needing to shit worse than you ever have in your whole life The first time I got it done, I was in Bangkok. It was part of a...
10
Frank T Bird
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3 min
Friday Night at Forty-Five
I’m dropping my wife off at work. It’s 7 am and drum and bass is blasting in my car It’s too early for that shit, she says, turning off...
10
Frank T Bird
- Nov 23, 2021
- 3 min
If I’m Still Alive Tomorrow, I’m Going on a Serious Health Kick
The problem with time is uncertainty, and the problem with food is it fucks you up Put the two together, and what have you got? Probable...
10
Frank T Bird
- Nov 23, 2021
- 4 min
Five Things to Do in The Covid Test Queue
Let me hear you say ‘COVID-19— everybody’ *points mic to crowd I like to get tested for covid regularly Don’t judge me. I’m not some...
10
Frank T Bird
- Nov 21, 2021
- 4 min
Why Do Guys Pee All Over the Floor?
I’ve been hassled about it my whole life. Now it’s time to come clean. OK, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered sitting down to pee. A friend...
70
Frank T Bird
- Nov 16, 2021
- 2 min
Old People Now Come With Tracksuits and Sneakers
You think we are trying to be cool but we invented tracksuits and sneakers, you little bastards. I looked at myself in the mirror the...
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 15, 2021
- 2 min
Getting Waxed is a Fucking Nightmare
So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...
90
Frank T Bird
- Nov 14, 2021
- 4 min
My Real Life Alien Encounter
That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...
40
Frank T Bird
- Nov 14, 2021
- 4 min
Reasons I never Fight (anymore)
I grew up in the North of England, no stranger to a scrap or two. But these days, fighting is a much higher risk game. Jason Bourne loves...
30
Frank T Bird
- Nov 12, 2021
- 3 min
Zuckerberg’s Metaverse Looks Like Being Trapped in a Nintendo Wii
Fuck that. I’m not going in there I used to love the Nintendo Wii Almost as much as I loved Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64. Anyone who...
20
Frank T Bird
- Nov 10, 2021
- 3 min
Are Green Tea Wankers Still Good Writers?
I didn't mean for it to happen, but somehow it did. I quit coffee. “Oh, Waiter”, I cry. “May I have yet another full cream latte?” “But...
20
Frank T Bird
- Nov 8, 2021
- 5 min
Cigarettes: The Worst Form of Government Subservience
There are more obvious ways of serving your government, but there aren’t many that cost you this much Your Government cares for you....
40
Frank T Bird
- Nov 8, 2021
- 7 min
Note to Self: Don't Be a Creepy Bastard
There's something sleazy in male DNA, and it can take a whole lifetime of work to undo it So I was looking at some old photos and came...
30
Frank T Bird
- Nov 7, 2021
- 3 min
My Grand Return to Gym Culture After Seventeen Years
The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...
40
Frank T Bird
- Nov 5, 2021
- 6 min
A 30-Day Humility Challenge for Vegans
Be the change, don’t use the change to inflate your ego Whether you look at it from an ethical point of view, an environmental point of...
61
Frank T Bird
- Nov 3, 2021
- 4 min
When it Comes to Successful Dating, Transparency is the Law
Ok, so I’m not single. I’ve been with my ideal partner for several years now, but it didn’t come about by accident Humans are judgemental...
30
Frank T Bird
- Nov 1, 2021
- 6 min
Ten Alternative Ways to Survive a Panic Attack
According to Wikipedia, the first panic attack was suffered by Napoleon in 1814 when he ran out of crackers for the camembert. Hopefully,...
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