It's fucking Spring, and I need to write something I can feel the cold of the worked steel on the base of each hand. It’s what they call...

I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to...

And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves...

It’s the last night of the moon cycle So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my...

And no, getting a fucking six-pack isn't one of them 1. Stop Begging for Sex Is there anything more pathetic than a guy begging for his...

Imagine needing to shit worse than you ever have in your whole life The first time I got it done, I was in Bangkok. It was part of a...

I’m dropping my wife off at work. It’s 7 am and drum and bass is blasting in my car It’s too early for that shit, she says, turning off...

The problem with time is uncertainty, and the problem with food is it fucks you up Put the two together, and what have you got? Probable...

Let me hear you say ‘COVID-19— everybody’ *points mic to crowd I like to get tested for covid regularly Don’t judge me. I’m not some...

I’ve been hassled about it my whole life. Now it’s time to come clean. OK, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered sitting down to pee. A friend...

You think we are trying to be cool but we invented tracksuits and sneakers, you little bastards. I looked at myself in the mirror the...

So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...

That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...

I grew up in the North of England, no stranger to a scrap or two. But these days, fighting is a much higher risk game. Jason Bourne loves...

Fuck that. I’m not going in there I used to love the Nintendo Wii Almost as much as I loved Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64. Anyone who...

I didn't mean for it to happen, but somehow it did. I quit coffee. “Oh, Waiter”, I cry. “May I have yet another full cream latte?” “But...

There are more obvious ways of serving your government, but there aren’t many that cost you this much Your Government cares for you....

There's something sleazy in male DNA, and it can take a whole lifetime of work to undo it So I was looking at some old photos and came...

The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...

Be the change, don’t use the change to inflate your ego Whether you look at it from an ethical point of view, an environmental point of...