Frank T Bird
Special K Is The Cornerstone Of Any Nutritious Breakfast
It's fucking Spring, and I need to write something I can feel the cold of the worked steel on the base of each hand. It’s what they call...
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Frank T Bird
Jun 9, 20234 min read
It's Thursday, And I'm Doin' Dem Dishes
I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to...
150
Frank T Bird
May 27, 20235 min read
Louis CK Is Back In Town
And he’s gonna stick his ginger cock in yer face again Nah, he isn’t. Cos that’s what happens. Yer learn yer lesson, and everyone moves...
80
Frank T Bird
May 19, 20234 min read
A Night On The Streets
It’s the last night of the moon cycle So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my...
390
Frank T Bird
Jan 7, 20226 min read
Three Ways To Be a Better Husband
And no, getting a fucking six-pack isn't one of them 1. Stop Begging for Sex Is there anything more pathetic than a guy begging for his...
80
Frank T Bird
Nov 30, 20214 min read
Colonic Irrigation is a Fucking Nightmare
Imagine needing to shit worse than you ever have in your whole life The first time I got it done, I was in Bangkok. It was part of a...
2350
Frank T Bird
Nov 26, 20213 min read
Friday Night at Forty-Five
I’m dropping my wife off at work. It’s 7 am and drum and bass is blasting in my car It’s too early for that shit, she says, turning off...
40
Frank T Bird
Nov 24, 20213 min read
If I’m Still Alive Tomorrow, I’m Going on a Serious Health Kick
The problem with time is uncertainty, and the problem with food is it fucks you up Put the two together, and what have you got? Probable...
50
Frank T Bird
Nov 24, 20214 min read
Five Things to Do in The Covid Test Queue
Let me hear you say ‘COVID-19— everybody’ *points mic to crowd I like to get tested for covid regularly Don’t judge me. I’m not some...
30
Frank T Bird
Nov 21, 20214 min read
Why Do Guys Pee All Over the Floor?
I’ve been hassled about it my whole life. Now it’s time to come clean. OK, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered sitting down to pee. A friend...
3390
Frank T Bird
Nov 17, 20212 min read
Old People Now Come With Tracksuits and Sneakers
You think we are trying to be cool but we invented tracksuits and sneakers, you little bastards. I looked at myself in the mirror the...
70
Frank T Bird
Nov 16, 20212 min read
Getting Waxed is a Fucking Nightmare
So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...
150
Frank T Bird
Nov 14, 20214 min read
My Real Life Alien Encounter
That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...
60
Frank T Bird
Nov 14, 20214 min read
Reasons I never Fight (anymore)
I grew up in the North of England, no stranger to a scrap or two. But these days, fighting is a much higher risk game. Jason Bourne loves...
60
Frank T Bird
Nov 12, 20213 min read
Zuckerberg’s Metaverse Looks Like Being Trapped in a Nintendo Wii
Fuck that. I’m not going in there I used to love the Nintendo Wii Almost as much as I loved Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64. Anyone who...
190
Frank T Bird
Nov 10, 20213 min read
Are Green Tea Wankers Still Good Writers?
I didn't mean for it to happen, but somehow it did. I quit coffee. “Oh, Waiter”, I cry. “May I have yet another full cream latte?” “But...
30
Frank T Bird
Nov 8, 20215 min read
Cigarettes: The Worst Form of Government Subservience
There are more obvious ways of serving your government, but there aren’t many that cost you this much Your Government cares for you....
70
Frank T Bird
Nov 8, 20217 min read
Note to Self: Don't Be a Creepy Bastard
There's something sleazy in male DNA, and it can take a whole lifetime of work to undo it So I was looking at some old photos and came...
60
Frank T Bird
Nov 7, 20213 min read
My Grand Return to Gym Culture After Seventeen Years
The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...
60
Frank T Bird
Nov 5, 20216 min read
A 30-Day Humility Challenge for Vegans
Be the change, don’t use the change to inflate your ego Whether you look at it from an ethical point of view, an environmental point of...
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