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Frank T Bird
Jun 9, 20234 min read
It's Thursday, And I'm Doin' Dem Dishes
I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to...
150
Frank T Bird
Jun 2, 20235 min read
I Saw Jon Hamm Having a Wank In a Van
Use your words, Frank Last night I smacked my fucking head on the cupboard in the kitchen I was making lasagna, and my wife was drying...
90
Frank T Bird
May 19, 20234 min read
A Night On The Streets
It’s the last night of the moon cycle So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my...
390
Frank T Bird
Apr 23, 20226 min read
Fear and Loathing At St Andrew's
My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day...
200
Frank T Bird
Nov 30, 20214 min read
Colonic Irrigation is a Fucking Nightmare
Imagine needing to shit worse than you ever have in your whole life The first time I got it done, I was in Bangkok. It was part of a...
2440
Frank T Bird
Nov 23, 20213 min read
The Soap Dispenser is Out to Get Me
Birthday parties are a young person’s game It was a mistake. I know that now It was one of those houses with a vast main lounge room and...
80
Frank T Bird
Nov 18, 20214 min read
When Kinky Sex Projects Go Wrong
Sure, we all get horny, but is it worth the effort? About nine years ago, I spent some time with a girl who was into very kinky things....
140
Frank T Bird
Nov 16, 20212 min read
Getting Waxed is a Fucking Nightmare
So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...
150
Frank T Bird
Nov 14, 20214 min read
My Real Life Alien Encounter
That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...
70
Frank T Bird
Nov 7, 20213 min read
My Grand Return to Gym Culture After Seventeen Years
The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...
60
Frank T Bird
Nov 4, 20217 min read
Spewing and Wind in the Las Vegas of England
There is so much to like about the depressing Northern English town of Blackpool. I was born on the eleventh of the eleventh in...
30
Frank T Bird
Oct 30, 202110 min read
The Last Mushroom Trip I Ever Did
In May 2016, I got a call from an old Mate We had been having some ‘time out’ from each other The last day we saw one another had...
210
Frank T Bird
Oct 29, 20212 min read
7.5 Seconds
Is it possible to simulate death? Somebody put a lot of effort into the Italian interior of this place — their art now lost on fat diners...
50
Frank T Bird
Oct 22, 20218 min read
An Impressive Gentleman
Some people just aren’t cut out for job interviews James was wearing an old camel-coloured tweed suit that Keith had lent him. “It’s...
100
Frank T Bird
Oct 15, 20216 min read
A Recipe For Disaster
Kitchens can get really hot sometimes Look at this fucker, sitting there with his horse-faced wife, stuffing my art into his face like...
70
Frank T Bird
Oct 8, 20213 min read
The Old Squartilian
Even in the future, there are traffic jams The Old Squartilian cleared his throat and began — As Quorntiti himself taught us, you are a...
50
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