I’m sweatin’ like a greasy peach And I’ll be honest I just got back from the shop. I’m in the middle of a few commitments, like not to...

Use your words, Frank Last night I smacked my fucking head on the cupboard in the kitchen I was making lasagna, and my wife was drying...

It’s the last night of the moon cycle So I’m sitting in the car counting mantras and breathing in all the winter traffic fumes cos my...

My friends and I took a trip at the home of golf It’s ten am at Golf Mecca. I meet up with Gary and Tim. We take selfies to start the day...

Imagine needing to shit worse than you ever have in your whole life The first time I got it done, I was in Bangkok. It was part of a...

Birthday parties are a young person’s game It was a mistake. I know that now It was one of those houses with a vast main lounge room and...

Sure, we all get horny, but is it worth the effort? About nine years ago, I spent some time with a girl who was into very kinky things....

So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...

That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...

The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...

There is so much to like about the depressing Northern English town of Blackpool. I was born on the eleventh of the eleventh in...

In May 2016, I got a call from an old Mate We had been having some ‘time out’ from each other The last day we saw one another had...

Is it possible to simulate death? Somebody put a lot of effort into the Italian interior of this place — their art now lost on fat diners...

Some people just aren’t cut out for job interviews James was wearing an old camel-coloured tweed suit that Keith had lent him. “It’s...

Kitchens can get really hot sometimes Look at this fucker, sitting there with his horse-faced wife, stuffing my art into his face like...

Even in the future, there are traffic jams The Old Squartilian cleared his throat and began — As Quorntiti himself taught us, you are a...