Frank T Bird
Friday Night at Forty-Five
I’m dropping my wife off at work. It’s 7 am and drum and bass is blasting in my car It’s too early for that shit, she says, turning off...
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Frank T Bird
- Nov 24, 2021
- 3 min
If I’m Still Alive Tomorrow, I’m Going on a Serious Health Kick
The problem with time is uncertainty, and the problem with food is it fucks you up Put the two together, and what have you got? Probable...
30
Frank T Bird
- Nov 24, 2021
- 4 min
Five Things to Do in The Covid Test Queue
Let me hear you say ‘COVID-19— everybody’ *points mic to crowd I like to get tested for covid regularly Don’t judge me. I’m not some...
20
Frank T Bird
- Nov 24, 2021
- 8 min
The Torture of a Ten Day Silent Meditation Retreat
Meditation Retreats are meant to be relaxing, right? People have all kinds of bloody ideas about the peace and tranquillity experienced...
90
Frank T Bird
- Nov 24, 2021
- 4 min
Some Big Bang Questions to Bake Your Noodle
The trouble with beginnings and ends is that they literally can’t exist As I sat there drinking my cappuccino, a twenty-three-year-old...
70
Frank T Bird
- Nov 23, 2021
- 3 min
Will the Next Dalai Lama be a Woman?
From a Buddhist perspective, the answer is not as straightforward as you might think The Dalai Lama said during a visit to Australia in...
80
Frank T Bird
- Nov 23, 2021
- 3 min
The Soap Dispenser is Out to Get Me
Birthday parties are a young person’s game It was a mistake. I know that now It was one of those houses with a vast main lounge room and...
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 21, 2021
- 4 min
Why Do Guys Pee All Over the Floor?
I’ve been hassled about it my whole life. Now it’s time to come clean. OK, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered sitting down to pee. A friend...
850
Frank T Bird
- Nov 20, 2021
- 6 min
How Funny Is Your Robot?
Can AI write comedy? I Took on AI in a Writing Contest My Mate Ken reckons AI can write better than me. The little bastards are coming...
70
Frank T Bird
- Nov 18, 2021
- 4 min
When Kinky Sex Projects Go Wrong
Sure, we all get horny, but is it worth the effort? About nine years ago, I spent some time with a girl who was into very kinky things....
70
Frank T Bird
- Nov 17, 2021
- 2 min
Old People Now Come With Tracksuits and Sneakers
You think we are trying to be cool but we invented tracksuits and sneakers, you little bastards. I looked at myself in the mirror the...
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 16, 2021
- 2 min
Getting Waxed is a Fucking Nightmare
So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax. How bad can it be? I thought. I’ll sit and...
110
Frank T Bird
- Nov 14, 2021
- 4 min
My Real Life Alien Encounter
That’s right y’all. Put on the deliverance CD and cut me a new piece of chewing straw. Aliens are in fact, real. I never thought I’d be...
40
Frank T Bird
- Nov 14, 2021
- 4 min
Reasons I never Fight (anymore)
I grew up in the North of England, no stranger to a scrap or two. But these days, fighting is a much higher risk game. Jason Bourne loves...
30
Frank T Bird
- Nov 12, 2021
- 3 min
Zuckerberg’s Metaverse Looks Like Being Trapped in a Nintendo Wii
Fuck that. I’m not going in there I used to love the Nintendo Wii Almost as much as I loved Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64. Anyone who...
90
Frank T Bird
- Nov 10, 2021
- 3 min
Are Green Tea Wankers Still Good Writers?
I didn't mean for it to happen, but somehow it did. I quit coffee. “Oh, Waiter”, I cry. “May I have yet another full cream latte?” “But...
20
Frank T Bird
- Nov 8, 2021
- 5 min
Cigarettes: The Worst Form of Government Subservience
There are more obvious ways of serving your government, but there aren’t many that cost you this much Your Government cares for you....
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 8, 2021
- 7 min
Note to Self: Don't Be a Creepy Bastard
There's something sleazy in male DNA, and it can take a whole lifetime of work to undo it So I was looking at some old photos and came...
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 7, 2021
- 3 min
My Grand Return to Gym Culture After Seventeen Years
The last time I went to the gym was in 2004, just before George W Bush got elected for a second term. That’s when I started getting fat...
50
Frank T Bird
- Nov 5, 2021
- 6 min
A 30-Day Humility Challenge for Vegans
Be the change, don’t use the change to inflate your ego Whether you look at it from an ethical point of view, an environmental point of...
61
Frank T Bird
- Nov 4, 2021
- 7 min
Spewing and Wind in the Las Vegas of England
There is so much to like about the depressing Northern English town of Blackpool. I was born on the eleventh of the eleventh in...
30
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