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  • Writer's pictureFrank T Bird

Five Things to Do in The Covid Test Queue

Let me hear you say ‘COVID-19— everybody’ *points mic to crowd

FTB getting a covid test

I like to get tested for covid regularly

Don’t judge me. I’m not some freak, and it’s not for any weird safety reasons.

It’s where I go to do my work of uplifting people’s spirits.

Sometimes I pretend I am Clive Owen in Children of Men, using art to turn a dystopian situation into a utopian one.

Occasionally I’ll take a brief diversion into the Bourne Identity.

I’ll squeeze a whole sachet of tomato sauce on myself and say:

“Look what they….make….you…give”.

Just to get into the feeling of being ‘Clive’.

My record for wait time in the Covid Test Queue was just under two hours.

That very day I looked around at all the gloomy faces in the dystopian queue and thought. It doesn’t have to be like this.

Everything changed that day, and I’m not the sort of person who likes to sit there and passively become a victim.

I decided to do something.

I turned my mind to the greats for answers.

What would Robin Sharma do? Gary Vee? Anthony Robbins? Jeff Bezos? Walt Disney?

They would transform the experience into something positive. Here are five ways I found to do that:

1. Have Car Sex

Don’t misjudge me here. I mean sex with another person.

Masturbation in the covid line would be creepy and downright inappropriate.

On the other hand, Covid test queue sex with another person is hot.

Let’s face it. Sex is like Netflix these days. When absolutely everything has become mainstream, you can get a little tired of looking for new things.

I believe Covid is the next big sex kink. Type “covid sex kink” into Google Trends, and you will see what I’m talking about.

There is no doubt whatsoever that those looking to invest in the next great sex wave should look toward covid based sex activities. It is often the taboo activities that have the most promise — Sex Lovers Anonymous (Source)

What could be hotter than steaming up your windows surrounded by sick and afraid people?

You will know the truth of what I am saying when the other couples around you start doing the same and watching you.

2. Start a Singalong

During World War Two, people would constantly have group singalongs to make themselves feel better about having no internet yet.

These days, singing seems like something that has become forgotten. But you will find that if you start something, people are usually quick to join in.

My first covid queue singalong was to Metallica’s ‘Fade to Black’

It started as a gentle hum to myself in the car. Then I just felt the energy begin to build in me. I got out of the vehicle, and the security guard started yelling.

‘Sir, can you please get back in your ve-hi-cle.’

I looked deep into his eyes and sang from my heart.

‘There is nothing more for me. Need the end to set me free….’

A tear came into his eye.

I jumped on the boot of the Hyundai Getz next to me and belted out the chorus


At first, people weren’t sure, but then they started gathering around me, singing their hearts out. Tears streamed down my face during the chorus. It was like that opening scene from La-La Land, only more dystopian. Lives were changed that day.

3. Wash Some Windscreens.

On my last two visits to the ‘the queue’, I realised that many people there would be missing out on income during the test and the isolation that followed.

As an example to others, I took a squeegee and a bucket with me. I paid the security guard a tenner and went up the line washing people’s windscreens.

People said no at first, but I would just do their windscreens for free without expecting payment.

I understood why people didn’t want to wind down their windows and slip me some change in hindsight. It’s because of the guys that stand at traffic lights doing it. Those guys are a real pain in the arse. (Pain in the ass for you Americans).

4. Put potatoes in people’s exhaust pipes.

In these times of worry, people just need to take themselves a little less seriously. This one gets a laugh out of everyone.

The first time I did this, there was a huge boom, and the security guard got his gun out. I had to put my hands up. When I explained the potato situation, we all laughed.

I would not have done this when terrorism was a thing because I might have been shot.

Since they ‘got’ Osama Bin Laden, though, it feels like we have much more freedom to get away with these kinds of uplifting pranks.

Here is a video by a technical master of the art.

5. Pretend to be a Zombie

Out of all the things to do, this is the ultimate classic.

But you need the right crowd. It’s hit-and-miss. You should start by taking a glance around to see if there are any children. It doesn’t seem to go down too well with them.

For the best effect, wear ragged clothes, chalk your face and mush a banana over your hair and face to simulate gunk. It might not work the first time, but if you pull it off right, you’ll win a lot more than friends. I guarantee it.

Look, just because there is a pandemic doesn’t mean we are all helpless. Even in the most unlikely situations, there is usually something we can do to lift other people, and the amazing thing about doing that is we end up feeling uplifted ourselves.


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