Getting Waxed is a Fucking Nightmare

So I’m lying on this table in Bangkok. I lost a bet and the stake was getting a full-body wax.

How bad can it be? I thought.

I’ll sit and sip on a margarita. I’ll have a chat with the girl, it‘ll be fine.

She got her little bowl of hot wax out and some strips and started on my upper thigh (I’m quite a hairy bastard). She laid the strip down and then yanked it off taking a thick layer of carpet with it.

The sky opened up and six thousand demons flew in on broomsticks.

It’s hard to imagine another time I have felt pain like that. Maybe paintballing came close but this was some next-level shit.

The tape came down again and then

…kkkkerrrdftttt

I think I almost screamed that time.

This was going to be impossible.

Two strips down, my entire body to go. It couldn’t be done. If it could, it couldn’t be done without a significant degree of trauma.

How the fuck do women go through this? (Yes, and men and the others alright? Stop yer cryin)

I bit down on the pillow

Fffrrrkksssttt….OOOOOHHHHHFUCK

Ffrrrsssttttttt…..MUTHAFUKKAAAAA

I could feel the trauma happening in real-time. I could feel my lymph nodes swelling up. I could feel some kind of flu coming on as my immune system said:

‘fuck this. I’m out’.

I didn’t think it could get any worse.

I wanted to ditch it but back then I needed to pay the debt. I could hear my friends laughing outside. Fuck them. I would pack up my stuff, go stay on another island and never speak to them again.

She lay tape down on one armpit,,,fffrrwstt

Then the other…fffrrrssttrt. FARKkkkk

I felt like I was going to cry. I hadn’t felt that sensation since I was a really young boy.

She made me pull my shorts down slightly revealing the jungle above my dongular region.

This was going to be very bad. She slipped hot wax into the jungle, placed the paper down and FFFRRRSSSSRRRRPPPP. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING.

That’s it. I’m done. I said.

I haven’t finished though, the woman said. I could see a sinister joy in her eyes.

I don’t give a fuck. I yelled. This is fucking psychotic.

I stormed out, past my friends and off down the street.

Later that night I examined my new pubic hair design in the mirror. It was just a straight line going across.

I for one am blown away that people get this shit done regularly. I know for sure that it is something that I will never do again.

The following statement might be construed as sexist but as I am saying it retrospectively (In 1996) I believe it is acceptable.

Women, I salute you for getting waxed in the pursuit of beauty. Sure it’s dumb as fuck but it’s brave and I fully acknowledge that your pain threshold is a lot higher than guys.

But then, you also go through childbirth so it's really no shock to me.

I’m seeing a therapist about my waxing experience.