I’ve been hassled about it my whole life. Now it’s time to come clean.
OK, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered sitting down to pee.
A friend once told me that he does it sometimes. He calls it a ‘luxurious’ pee.
But it’s not something I have ever thought about until recently.
For some reason, I have always found the idea strange. Perhaps there is something deeply conditioned about peeing standing up as a male. Maybe all of those years standing next to other gentlemen, dicks exposed and in hand, has had some effect.
The more I think about it, peeing standing up is a masculine thing to me psychologically. I have been trained into it, and sitting down to pee would mean I am no longer a man.
Ah, nothing like an insight into one’s particular brand of derangement.
Anyway, I am on the brink of sitting down to pee because I can’t stop making a mess of the floor.
Granted, I’ve done this my whole life. No floor has ever been safe from my piss.
Sometimes, I have been paying such little attention that I have been directly pissing on the floor. Or, on occasion(Usually alcohol-induced), I have had the good fortune to believe that my penis was out when it was still in my pants.
Have you ever tried pissing your pants? It’s not easy — to do it consciously, I mean. Try it right now.
Go on. Stop what you are doing and just piss yourself.
It’s quite liberating.
Cows don’t have a problem pissing themselves.
Nor do they have a problem with shitting themselves. They don’t even stop what they are doing (Which is generally eating grass).
Perhaps if we ate a diet of only grass, we would be able to shit as effortlessly as cows. Possibly if white bread and sugar had never been invented, there would be no need for extraneous equipment such as toilet paper.
Maybe it's also because cows don’t wear pants (As far as I know.) Would they be as keen to just let go so freely into their new Calvin Klein jeans?
I don't think so.
Anyway, this article isn’t about shit. It is about piss.
Specifically, it’s about why guys like me piss all over the floor and, as a result, piss off our wives, girlfriends, boyfriends etc.
You have to understand here that I can only speak for a certain percentage of the male population — those who are uncircumcised.
For those yet uneducated in the ways of male genitalia, circumcision is where they hack off the protective skin from around one’s helmet (head of C.O.K).
I won’t get too graphic, but what is left is a German army helmet as opposed to an aardvark or a beany or well, I’m sure you can find a million ways to describe the uncircumcised knob-end.
The reason uncircumcised men piss all over the floor is to do with the foreskin.
It gets in the way.
Only when the foreskin is fully retracted does it have a chance of pissing in a single direction. Even then, when fully retracted— its most effective pissing state, fifty-five per cent of the time, the penis will still send out multiple streams — usually two.
So, the user is left to consider which stream will make more of a mess. Will it be stream A or stream B? The correct method is to point the highest flow stream into the bowl and hope for the best.
This issue becomes more complex after sex or a shower.
As an uncircumcised man, during sex, the foreskin gets folded right back into its most revealing position. It is the same when showering. To clean the penis head aka knob-end, you have to roll back the curtain, clean and then replace it.
The issue lies in not replacing it to its fullest position.
It’s fine until you go to pee. In a half retracted position, the number of possible streams is unknowable. Sometimes it’s two streams in opposite directions, sometimes three, sometimes more.
Sometimes it’s like the soak setting on those adjustable hose heads. You know, the one where the water just leaches lazily out of the hose without any particular direction.
I’ve never known what the purpose of that setting is. I suppose it has some function in the garden. But that’s often what happens with a half detracted foreskin — You get the soak setting. And soak it does. It soaks the bathroom floor and often enough, your legs, pants and shoes.
With a loving voice, your partner enters and asks you, ‘How the hell did you miss?’ I can understand why they are confused. It’s a massive target to hit, and more circumcised dicks hit the target effortlessly. But to us uncircumcised crew, it’s always gonna be hit and miss.
Even if you do explain the retractable foreskin thing, who can possibly understand the tugging, pushing, pulling and stretching required to get a foreskin back into its home position?
One day it won't matter because we will all have cyborg penises.
Until then, maybe just let go of your conditioning, sit your arse down and enjoy more luxurious pissing time in the future.