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  • Writer's pictureFrank T Bird

Zuckerberg’s Metaverse Looks Like Being Trapped in a Nintendo Wii

Fuck that. I’m not going in there

Frank T Bird in the metaverse

I used to love the Nintendo Wii

Almost as much as I loved Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64.

Anyone who played a lot of Wii knows that once you figure it out, you don’t have to prance around like a real sportsperson (which was the intention of the game. Fun + Exercise), but just a subtle flick of the wrist will get the job done.

Yeah, I loved the Nintendo Wii…At a time when I smoked a lot of weed and ate a lot of McDonald’s.

Now I’m a fully grown adult of forty-five.


Can somebody explain to me why the fuck I would want to spend my days inside a Nintendo Wii surrounded by massive-headed cartoon characters?

It disturbs me that there are people my age and older who are turned on by this idea. Sure, I can understand randy individuals might want their electrical genitals fondled by other electrical signals, but you understand that there are real genitals out here that are just as squishy, right?

I know, I know, it’s just social media, but how long before we are dressed in skin tights suits held together by an exoskeleton that allows us to pump in the missionary like Justin Beaver?


Look, at 45, I would have no problem with an exoskeleton that does the pumping for me.

I just don’t want my head covered. I don’t want to pump a digital signal and blow into some chamber while a robot fondles my dong.


Ok, I’m sorry. I know it’s not all about sex.


It’s social media, right? So you can also…erm…what? Read posts? Comment? Like? Send people photos?


Yeah, sure, we need Virtual Reality to do that.


But You Can Walk Through a Beautiful Rainforest

I can? Is it really true? You can see what’s happening here.


The real rainforests are getting shredded so you can have foamy mouth when you brush your teef…yes ✅


People are getting in the way of this with their ‘protests’…yes, yes.


Put people in their own imaginary rainforests….YES, YES. ✅


Okay, I see what’s happening here. It’s a dream come true for Alien Master Captain Zuckerberg and his friends.

It is also a dream come true for an eighteen-year-old who wants to escape the world and live in a digital machine of electrical pulses. (The same eighteen-year-old that would have been listening to Hendrix and protesting against the Vietnam War if they were born fifty years earlier).


This is a match made in heaven because corporations like Facebook and others want to be free to do what they do in the real world without people getting in the way.


But they face obstacles from people.


So, if they can essentially put people into digital prison, wouldn’t they be free to do whatever they want?


Consumer power is a downright disaster for big companies. This is a perfect solution


The psychological impacts of VR are totally unknown.

Our brains learn through observation.

Being immersed in a blobby cartoon world is not something our brains have seen before in our evolution.


I love how we casually rip open the technology like it’s a harmless toy from Santa. But honestly, we are experimenting with our psychology to the highest degree here.

The damage that social media is doing to people's minds is already common knowledge. How about when your brain can no longer subconsciously comprehend the difference between digital and reality?


We assume that our minds will always be able to tell the difference. We put comprehension down to our conscious mind, whereas the subconscious perceives and processes a considerable amount of information without us.

Could such a sudden immersion into strange realities create trauma in a person?


Scared? How about this, then?

How long before our friend virtual reality can simulate time? What if a computer can make a second feel like ten thousand years, or a million years or whatever?

Doesn’t that sound like fun?


Not if your ex-partner (who you cheated on) happens to be a software engineer.


Sleep will become impossible.

As a forty-five-year-old man, sleep is just about impossible for me as it is.

A doctor told me I needed to work less on computers because if you watch a computer screen or a phone long enough, you find that you cannot sleep.

Because screens kill melatonin.


They also kill our ability to creatively visualise.


Bill Hicks said:

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye

Imagine what we would have to say if he were here today.


So now we go forth to being immersed in the screen. The total removal of natural light. How will it affect our eyes, our face, our brain?


Are you ready to lose your humanity?


Is the World Not Enough? Not according to 007. But to me, it’s just so god damn beautiful.


I don’t want to walk around staring at an electrical replica of a rainforest. I’d rather save the ones that actually exist.


I loved the Nintendo Wii. If it were still around, I might still want to play it now and then.


But would I want to live in it?


Would you?


Image: Nintendo


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