The Obnoxious Creeps of Love Actually

A film about sick men

Merry Christmas (Almost)

And yeah, it’s that time in December again where it’s okay to drink vodka at seven AM and eat chocolate cocks dripping with beef fat every day and where people with no money have to begrudgingly buy gifts for very rich people they know.

Christmas is a time for eating, drinking and self-loathing and anyone who says any different is doing it completely wrong — Lt Colonel Santo Klous, US Marine Corp

We men, stand, sharp knives in hand, cigarettes in gobs at the dinner table ready to slice animal corpses up to prove our manhood, while the women gather in the kitchen speaking about recipes and sewing and that kind of thing.

Americans pour high fructose syrup onto their yams and mayonnaise into their Christmas salad while Australians sweat over barbecues at the beach, eat pavlova and watch men in white hit a hard ball around.

And in my house, December begins a run of all the traditional Christmas movies.

It all starts with Home Alone, a movie about a pre-pubescent boy with an unhealthy appetite for plain cheese pizza and an unusual dislike of the naked forms in Playboy magazine who winds up (several movies later — see Home Alone 12:Diazepam in Manhattan) as a fat, asexual, gay, police officer specialising in domestic burglary with a fear of rejection stemming from the time his bizarrely rich family flew to Paris and forgot he existed.

“No clothes on anyone — Sickening.”

Next, we’ll do the usual run through the classics — Elf, Home For The Holidays, The Family Stone (Possibly my favourite Christmas movie) and all the rest, like Santa Claus the Movie — a story about the commercialisation of Christmas by corporations and candy canes that contain a mix of fentanyl and Gamma-hydroxybutyrate — a film that becomes closer to real life with every passing year.

And then there’s that elephant in the room that no-one really wants to talk about.

It’s called Love Actually

Which at the time was an extremely popular movie by the maker of Four Weddings and a Funeral about several people whose lives are strangely intertwined. It was a pre-Covid time when people had friends and it was alright to kiss strangers on the lips without being accused of sexual assault.

And we all like to think its a movie about love, especially when Hugh Grant starts doing his airport speech and we all tear up.

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport,” says Hugh.

And we all know it’s bollocks. We all know when he gets gloomy, he has a wank in his Tesla while thinking about that time he met Divine Brown on Hollywood Boulevard.

Love Actually is a movie that would make any woke teenager’s (insert preferred genital type) shrink to the size of a blue peanut M&M.

It’s a movie about sick men set in a sick world where we used to celebrate the sick men.

Sick Man #1 — The Horny Bastard

Alan Rickman is married to the Prime Minister’s sister. And Rickman is a horny bastard. When one of his employees — an attractive she-devil asks him to buy her jewellery, Alan decides to buy a horrifically unattractive gold heart necklace from a deranged shop assistant who looks terribly like Blackadder.

And the Prime Minister’s sister finds the necklace cos Alan is a dumb bastard that leaves it in his coat pocket hanging by the front door. So, she gets a bit wet down below and prepares her finest lingerie.

But it turns out that knobhead Alan buys her a Joni Mitchell double CD instead and gives the gold love heart to the office slut.

And that’s all fine, but now the Prime Minister’s sister, Emma Thompson knows, and she tells him. And he says something like,

I’m a prize fool.

And she’s thinking — 

the word is CUNT Alan. You’re a prize CUNT.

Sick Man #2 — The Politician

They go out to the daughters play anyway, where it turns out, her brother, The Prime Minister happens to be.

She thinks he’s there to support her and he lets her think that cos he’s a bastard politician. But he’s actually chasing the tail of a girl who he fired as punishment for getting sexually harassed by Billy Bob, The President of the USA as if it wasn’t already bad enough that her family call her Lumpy and make fat jokes about her constantly.

Sick Man #3 — The grieving widower

Anyway, her friend Rob Roy’s wife just died, and she can’t handle his tears so tells him to stop being a pussy.

In his grief, Rob Roy enables his stepson who doesn’t seem to care that his mum just died because he is too busy learning to play the drums in order to chase the hottest girl in school.

They watch Titanic and act out the ship scene together which is odd.

And somehow the kid learns to play the drums from scratch in the two weeks before the Christmas concert, or that one Maria Carey song anyway, thanks to Rob Roy spiking his milkshakes with Adderall.

And they end up chasing this American girl to the airport like inter-generational stalkers and the kid breaks several security protocols jumping gates n that. Fortunately, the kid is whiter than Gollum’s anus. Because the story takes place less than three years after 9/11 and if he were of Middle eastern descent, he would have surely gotten a bullet in his tiny skull.

Sick men #4,5,6 — Ginger virgin, Porn stunt double, Old rocker

Other sick men include, Colin, a ginger virgin whose plan to get laid is to fly to America where somehow, he believes he will cease to become an undesirable twat. On landing he fortuitously meets a gaggle of very attractive prostitutes who take him back to their whorehouse giving him the confidence to become a police detective in Jamaica.

There’s Bilbo Baggins from the Office whose job is that of a sex double. He meets the nice Welsh woman from Gavin and Stacey, and they talk about the traffic while she pretends to suck him off.

There’s Billy Mac, an aging rocker who likes to watch porn with his manager Rab C Nesbitt.

Sick man #7 — The Young Player

Then there is this slick, tanned Latina looking dude called Carl. A gorgeous redhead from his office fancies him and finally they get together. Sadly, she has a deranged brother who keeps calling her. But rather than be understanding and patient, Carl is a prick who slips his crisp white y-fronts back on and leaves in a huff like a typical bloke. And I think we’re all meant to think that’s okay, and that Carl is a nice guy getting fucked around and that it’s her problem because she’d rather tend to her unwell brother than pour chocolate milk on Carl’s stupid Toblerone abs.

But it’s not right. Carl is a bastard.

Sick man #8 — The rebound

Then there’s Firth — some lame rich writer (London is full of them) who caught his wife pretending to be sick so she could bang his brother. His solution is to go to an old house in France and sit by a lake among the mosquitos binging on wine and sweaty cheese and bread and writing his turd novel with a typewriter.

He ends up fancying the cleaner even though they can’t understand each other but she picks up his mug and the pages of his badger excrement of a thriller go flapping page by page into the lake.

Fortunately for him, the sexy cleaner takes off her clothes and jumps in the lake to fish them out and old Firth thinks it’s an Englishman’s duty to also strip down to his y-fronts and jump in the freezing water after her. But Firth instantly regrets it knowing that his already tiny cock would shrink to the size of a dried wild fig in the lake.

He says something about eels, and she can’t understand which is fortunate cos he’s talking about the shrunken eel in his underpants.

Regardless, they end up parting ways and he eventually thinks, fuck it. He does some Portuguese classes and heads off to see her dad and ask him for her hand in marriage who it turns out is another prick of a man who also likes to make fat jokes about his own daughter.

Bit of a recurring theme in this film.

Sick man #9 — The Psycho

Finally, let’s talk about the worst of them all — that sad-sack nutter sheriff from The Walking Dead.

This is a guy that thinks it’s acceptable to film his best friend’s wedding and only film footage of the bride.

One word — psycho.

To make matters worse, he’s a total prick to her all the time because some part of his brain thinks that’s the right thing to do. Eventually she sees the footage and he runs out of his own house leaving her to watch it again with her banoffee pie.

But it’s fine cos this sick bastard has a plan. He rocks up to her door, tells her to lie to her husband about carol singers then performs some Bob Dylan style confession of love.

And old Keira, well she’s turned on so she kisses him and starts planning how she can get a threesome happening between them all.

And he just says enough now and goes home to have the mother of all wanks.

And yeah, I know what you want to ask: Well, Frank, does that mean you won’t be watching Love Actually this year?

And the answer is:

No, it does not.

I will be watching Love Actually like I do every year because it reminds me of what Christmas is all about.

It’s about:

• Not cheating on your wife

• Not going overseas for sexual purposes

• Not rejecting a woman because of her disabled relatives

• Not encouraging a child to break security protocols

• Not watching porn with other men

• Not becoming a politician

• Not firing women for getting sexually harassed

• Not jumping into cold water when your cock is already small

• Not acting like a psychopath

God bless us, everyone.