The Year of the Dragon, Innit?

Ya gotta expect some fire from the universal dragon gob

Aug 02, 2024

Captain’s Log. Star date your grandmother’s decaying nipples.

What a week it has been.

I stopped purchasing from my local grocer because I don’t fancy a fucking deep conversation about every piece of damn fruit I buy. I mean, I get it. The apples are unwaxed and not kept in a deep freeze for six months until they’re frozen like Walt Disney’s cock, and trust me, I appreciate that. I do. And yeah, you want to be friendly so people can return. But it’s the opposite. No one wants to talk about fruit anymore. We want you to smile and look up and tell us the price. Then we want to fuck off without commitment. It’s how it is. So I’m moving on. Sorry, friendly grocer. It’s why you’re going out of business.

You’re just too damn friendly.

You’re Edgar Friendly, played by Dennis Leary in Demolition Man. What a film, till they dubbed out Taco Bell with Pizza Hut. If you understand, I love you.

The point is, in 2024, shut the fuck up and sell me my fruit, motherfucker.

In addition, I upset the Substack Christian community by trying to explain that Jesus was a Mahasiddha.

And yeah. I believe that to realise his wisdom, one must see all phenomena as the display of his skilful means. Does that make me less of a Christian than someone that wears the fucking badge?

I haven’t eaten meat in twenty minutes, either. Am I a vegan? No? Then what’s the time limit, motherfuckers? A day? Two days? A week?

And look, if that wasn’t bad enough, following that, I upset the Hindu community because I mentioned that Hinduism was the name for the collective categorisation of the vast and colourful religious tradition of India by the British colonialists.

I didn’t commit the act, Motherfuckers. I’m not that fucking tyrant Winston Churchhill. I’m just the messenger.

And ya know, I fucking love Christianity and Hinduism, you cunts. Do you think you have exclusivity over Jesus’s teachings because you started a club?

And yeah, I know you’re thinkin’, Fuck, Frank. Keep talking about groceries. We can’t handle your religious rants.

Well, in the words of Matthew McConaughey in the film The Dallas Buyer’s Club,

Strap in, pissants, or fuck off. Cos this shit gonna get real.

Christianity is perfect, but Christians aren’t.

There would be no need for Christianity if they were, so I have to relax and remember that, I suppose.

People don’t like having their dogmatic tea trolleys tipped over.

Because it means they might have to do more work. And fuckers don’t want to work.

They like the lazy spiritual path where they can suck their wife’s tits and be liberated because they did it within the scope of their exclusive club.

They don’t like a discussion because it means that they can’t just rely on believing blindly in Jesus and believing he will miraculously liberate them when everyone else burns in hell, like fucking prawns in Ramsay’s five-star vindaloo during the rapture. Because they joined the club.

Excellent work, you lazy cunts.

You know, cos God is unlimited, but he only likes the good kids, not the rapists and the thieves, even though he invented them, right?

Wink fucking wink, bitches.

But that’s okay. If something that some Christ denier says challenges our views, just blend the Old Testament and New Testament till your belief is safe again.

That’s modern Christianity 101, Frank, you ignorant fuck.

Go fuck yourself.

And no, they can’t have a dialogue about Christianity because it means they might have to reconsider what they are practising.

You might have to do some inner work and go through some shite and actually make a fucking solid effort to be a real religious person instead of basking in the laziness of blind faith and holding up the cardboard cut out of a spiritual person so you won’t have to worry about the day you might be faced with the bardo of your own fucking inner conflict in the form of a fucking massive ball eating demon ya know?

Not to be dramatic.

But, ya just might have to run through the fire of Satan, having yer ego burnt up in the process before realising Satan is Jesus in his damn fire suit like Steve McQueen in The Towering Inferno.

And look, yeah, I’m anti-Christian and anti-Hindu right? Because I dare to question how those things are being practised because I care about those people who are stuck in the chewing gum of their fucking dogmatic laziness.

I’m this fucking Christ denier because I seek out his teachings instead of having his picture slung over my $20,000 fireplace and believing that’ll do PIG.

Well, ya know what. Forget it, you motherfuckers.

Let’s not have a dialogue about religion cos ya just get fucking aggressive, don’t ya? Dialogue is not welcome in dogmatic circles.

Don’t worry about me.

I’m just fucking Satan out to destroy your culture, aren’t I?

I’m fucking Chairman Mao, who destroyed and killed over a million Tibetans with his catchphrase Religion is poison because I cared enough about your well-being to have a strange dialogue to help refine your practice of guru yoga based on the teacher Jesus.

I mean, didn’t Jesus say,

“If anyone questions yer beliefs, just be a cunt to them.”

(Book of Cunts 5:10:15)

So I get it. I do.

Because an eye for an eye isn’t a teaching about the infallible law of cause and effect, is it?

It means if someone fucks your wife up with a potato masher, you have God’s permission to

FUCK THEM UP

with your AR55 that you keep next to your M79 grenade launcher in your basement next to your fucking pig smoker you made out of an old water boiler you bought for $5 from your neighbour Cletus. And yeah that M79 is a wooden piece of shit. And the kick is a fucking bitch.

This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God.

Thats right. I’ve been baptised, you pricks.

Just leave us alone, Frank, you Christ denier.

Yeah, sure, I’ll leave you to offer your incense to the god Buddha without having to endure the horseshit of developing shamatha or vipassana.

I’ll leave you alone to believe a man who died thousands of years ago will save you just because you affirm and put your faith in him.

I won’t even begin to suggest that you might practice the technique of,

giving and receiving

that he gave to you while they fucking crucified him for speaking out against the very tradition that you now paint his teachings with.

Jesus died for our sins,

you say, taking him literally and once again displaying your fucking laziness.

No. It’s not a myth, you fucks.

Watch what he is teaching you. Don’t listen to the fucking deadhead bishops that followed.

Go to the source.

Watch the technique.

Don’t turn it into dogma.

Take your suffering and pray that all beings may be free from suffering through it.

That’s the technique, motherfuckers.

What’s that? Jesus actually taught a technique?

How ridiculous.

Jesus wasn’t a god. He was a wisdom teacher.

And a damn good one at that. To treat him like a god is a fucking insult.

But that’s just my heathen opinion, isn’t it?

You’re all waiting for the second coming. But what do you expect?

A man in a white cape with a beard claiming to be Jesus?

Plenty of those mad fucks around if you fancy it. You might as well stick a picture of Russell Brand on yer wall and offer fruit to the mad fuck every day.

Or will he appear in another form, perhaps?

Maybe his name is Terry, and he is in a fucking wheelchair, and he makes you push him around and clean his anus so you can learn to serve him as the manifestation of Jesus instead of waiting for the bearded man in person like the mad fuck you are.

But you won’t like that, will you?