Yet Another Damn Week of Phantasmagoric Human Experience
Clean up in Aisle four, repeat, clean up in aisle three
Monday
Went to the gym in my 1981 rainbow Adidas tracksuit and was fucking disappointed that all the old Asian men there started looking at me like they wanted to finger my anus. And It got me thinking how I’m a little annoyed that the gay community decided to make the rainbow their flag. Cos now I have to keep explaining to people that they can’t finger my anus because I’m not gay. I just like rainbows for fuck sake.
And no, I’m not being homophobic either for those of you dramatic cunts who spend their days desperately craving an opportunity to attack someone for not fitting into your deranged liberal wonderland. I have no issue with penises whatsoever. If Margot Robbie had a cock, I’d suck that fucker all day. But if Brad Pitt had a pussy, would I lick his slippery clit? I don’t think so. I’m just not attracted to the masculinity.
Anyway, after getting judged for wearing the classic Adidas rainbow tracksuit, I went home feeling sad. And that night I had a dream that I was well gay for my friend, Terry Daniels.
Who the fuck is Terry Daniels?
Well depends who ya fuckin ask don’t it? There’s Terry Daniels, my friend who started a career as a motivational speaker after he became a quadraplegic when someone kicked out his stick chair at a Coldplay concert during their 2009 Jaundice tour. A lot of people said it was Terry’s own fault for taking a stick chair to a concert. The hatred he recieved was shocking. But Terry was never one to give up. He gives motivational tours where he speaks through one of those machine filters like Stephen Hawkeye and he broke the world record for pull-ups using his teeth.
I also have a pet fly called Terry. I call any insect a pet when it has been inhabiting my home for more than twenty-four hours since if it isn’t a pet it can only be an intruder and my American housemate will then try and kill it with his AR-15 assaul-trifle. And I’m a Buddhist so I can’t let that happen. So I called that stinking fucker Terry n he keeps buzzing past my cranium every six minutes buzzing his vibrational prose:
Wanna buy some excremento, Frankie?
Wanna buy some excremento?
Wanna buy some?
Wanna buy?
Wanna?
Frank?
He’s an annoying fuck.
The point is, in my dream I was gay for Terry. I was sucking his cock like a pro, massaging the balls and deflating my lungs like an industrial strength vaccum cleaner. Afterwards he cooked me breakfast and this delicious French coffee. Then he went to work and I kissed him and bid him good day. Then I woke up, sweating and had a wank while looking at pictures of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini in 1978 to restore my non-gay status.
Later I played Wii with a friend for the first time in years. Good to see I still smash it at the bowling but was horrified to find no gender option for chicks with dicks or men with fannies. Or syphillitic bisexual goblins with four nuts. Wii should probably get cancelled.
Tuesday
I took Ashwagandha this morning cos I woke up angrier than a randy possum after a Red Bull enema. And I was shit scared that if things went quickly south after breakfast I might show my dick to the neighbour with the big cans again and have her call her husband who is a security guard at Chemist Warehouse. And I got sad after readin’ a post by my new Substack friend,
.And it made me sad cos I too live that daily dilemma of feeling like an utter cunt for eating meat and yet I still fucking eat it cos it’s the only food that doesn’t make me bloat up like Brian Jones’ fucking swollen corpse. Also it tastes fucking fabulous and is addictive as hell.
But I knew some beefed up jackass on the carnivore diet would be telling anal face that he had some kind of condition cos eating meat is a natural behaviour. And I fucking hate that we’ve entered an era where we’re meant to think theres something fucking wrong with us if we feel like shit for eating meat.
A condition, you say?
A natural behaviour, you say?
So fucking what if man has always hunted and eaten raw meat?
Man has also always raped women and children. Is that also a natural Behaviour?
Man is a primitive fucking race of gonads, not the pinnacle of intelligence as we are led to think.
I eat fucking meat cos I’m addicted to stuffing chicken legs in my gob at barbecues. Its not cos I’m following some profound natural pattern.
Alcoholics don’t try and convince people that what they are doing is natural. There is no such thing as we are meant to do it.
We aren’t fucking meant to do anything.
It’s choose your own adventure.
Turn this fucking rock over and this is the effect.
The choice is yours. One way is not better than the other.
Morality isn’t divine. It’s a behavioural tool to prevent suffering, you fucks.
I was taught that by my granpappy who died in Vietnam after he ate the fucking chicken catch a tory from an old ration pack during the infamous battle of Long Piss.
Anyway, point is, I like to pat cows and then eat their fukn legs.
Wednesday
Discovered that writing articles on Substack gives me itchy nads. so I took to posting memes and witty life observations instead:
And got called a nazi for posting pro-Trump memes on Substack. And had to write a short poem to explain why I didn’t think it was a good idea to vote back in the people who had assisted in taking the world to the brink of a mass nuclear barbecue.
A psychotic zebra can’t change it’s stripes.
If you fear how close you are being driven to the nuclear party
Why get out of one door of the taxi and back in the other side?
Would you vote for Smith if you were trying to stop Smith?
And in the words of Forrest Gump:
That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Thursday
That cunt Tim Denning posted some turd about social media again. And I looked out of my window like a fucking meerkat and observed the kids these days who live in a perpetual state of fucking anxiety.
And I realised that my generation was born without the internet, so we see it as a tool.
My kid’s generation was born with it, so they see it as a second world.
But his kid’s generation see it as THE world and this world as a fucking depressing inconvenience. And we are quick to tell them that its the digital world where they spend all their time that is making them depressed and anxious. But thats not true.
To them, the online world is amazing, especially with advances in technology.
It’s this world that’s a turd to them.
But they are wrong. And if I knew they’d fucking listen, I’d say:
Just fucking turn that turnip compost off.
Yer sit there scoffing yer Americano Twirl and drinking yer fucking Maccy D Coke Zero, giving yerself cancer of the teef and shitting yer tiny daks about whose gonna chuck the first nuclear dildo across the sky.
And yer scroll the equivalent of a marathon every day on Tiktok, watching as little future hungry ghosts deep fry their salad sandwich and douse it in siracha and Nutella or kidnap a cat and starve it and beat the shit out of it till it looks like its a street cat and then film themselves finding it and nurturing it back to health. And yer go AH and hit LIKE. What a fucking sweet world we live in.
And somewhere in Indonesia, a factory is filled to the brim with partitions, each with its own spotlight and camera, and each filled with young hopefuls on slave wages creating potential viral videos for their fucking pimp daddies in the office upstairs. They’re called influencer factories. And a few thousand miles away, a fourteen-year-old boy hacks away in a cobalt mine, his lungs filling with toxins to feed his family of forty-two so you can charge your battery that little bit more to get another twenty minutes of people spunking on cakes and feeding them to their grandmas or people pretending to be retarded to illicit a kind response from someone or people sticking Carolina reaper down the end of their cocks so they can become famous for five minutes.
And we all fucking wet our nappies and say to ourselves, what a fucking utopia we live in. Isn’t technology wonderful? The algorithm finds you and bends you to its will. And even Munsk has said that the biggest danger from AI isn't a war ala Terminator but the hypnotic influence that AI will be able to exert online, bending citizens to its will in increasingly fucked up ways. We’re only ten per cent of the way there. And already, I know many former left-wing socialists who have become right-wing racists.
I’m not saying either is good, since what the fuck even is the left or the right or even socialism these days?
But how is such a transformation possible in such a short time?
I know once intelligent atheists who have become extreme Christians who believe that one day every non-believer will be fucking evaporated into hot chocolate dust by the benevolent all-seeing Wonka God.
Look at your own mind right now. Are you becoming angrier every day?
Is your fucking fear increasing?
Are your views becoming more extreme?
Maybe it’s time to take a fucking pill, you fucker.
Maybe it’s time to pull the plug, you fucker.
Maybe it’s time to take that fucking device in your hand and set it alight in Satan’s anus.
Because AI is coming. And no, it's not here already, you fucking Gazelle. That’s like calling a fetus a teenager. Its coming so strongly that everything is going to change. And you’ll soon find yourself in a fucking metaverse helmet. Totally controlled.
And if you think I’m not serious, you better wake up and smell the fucking formaldehyde. The AI laws are coming. They have to. Because if AI remains in the public domain, the overthrow of every government is inevitable. That’s right. It’s inevitable. And I’m not saying that to make you shit yourself. I’m saying it to give you a chance.
Get the fuck out before it changes you into what they want you to become. Smash that shit with the hammer of love.
I’m not saying start a fucking revolution either. I’m not Russell Brand. Even he’s a fucking mad Christian extremist these days.
I’m saying go outside and smell the fucking mint leaves.
Cook a good meal for your family from food you’ve grown yerself.
Move to the country.
And Get off ALL social media.
Even Notes.
Look at you. You’re pathetic.
Friday
Sorry about that. I forgot to take my ashwagandha yesterday. Social media is fine.
It’s 11am here.
Think I’ll go get a fucking coffee.
Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard has become a Republican. That should tell you everything you need to know if you quite fancy avoiding the great nuclear barbecue, you fucks.
Get a fucking grip.
I'm waiting for AI to decide to write articles for me. I wrote with a pen and paper the other day. That's fucking weird, ain't it?
I was gonna tell you to go get some coffee but there at the end you say you’re going to. Enjoy 💁🏻♀️