Writers Need to Stop Wanking Off So Much

It's like Fluoride for the Creative Mind

And yeah, people are always like, 

Frank, you are the King of wanking. You’re always writing about it, like the time you wanked on an aeroplane. 

I Joined The Mile High Club With Myself

And it’s just not true. I’m a writer of fiction. Almost everything I write about is entirely made up. 

You might be surprised to learn that the last time I masturbated was on September 11th 2001, and the only reason I did it was to deal with the stress of finding out that Shannon Doherty would be leaving Charmed after three seasons. 

Regardless, I do happen to be a great source of information on the subject of masturbation, which is why I can write about it with such stunning accuracy. 

What is wanking?

Like any good blog post or recipe, one needs to begin with a long rant to fill one’s word quota and add the obligatory SEO keywords such as wanking and masturbation. 

The first ever wank on record was performed in Mesopotamia in around 3700 BC by the legendary Gingamush when he realised he quite fancied the half-headed horse goddess Maniera. 

According to the legend, Gingamush ejaculated thirty-three buckets of ancient cum and died shortly after from severe dehydration. 

It would be another 2500 years before Moses completed the second human wank when he saw Taylorus Swifticus’s ginger bush on top of Mount Fannus Fannus. 

Wanking, or masturbation as posh people call it, is—for the male species as well as chicks with dicks and genderless dick custodians—where one grips the shaft tenderly or firmly with one’s right hand (or left hand for the socialists) and moves the skin of the shaft up and down massaging the nerves of the ‘cock’ as it is known. 

For those with foreskins, the skin acts as a rubbery layer between the fist and shaft. For those whose foreskins have been cut off, an additional layer of hand cremé is required to prevent friction burns of the dick. 

Additional pro-level moves include the 'two fingers on jelly bridge' where one pushes two fingers into the perineum or the soft part of the internal penis located between the scrotus maximus and the anus minimus. Such a move is a matter of feel since too much pressure can cause discomfort. But the correct pressure in the right area can increase orgasm as well as the amount of spunk ejaculated by up to 300 per cent. 

The most professional move is the auto-erotic asphyxiation move.

It’s where one gets the dog's lead from under the stairs and hangs oneself by the neck while massaging one’s pecker. It is advised that to perform this, one should have a watcher hiding in a cupboard and peeping through the crack since this is not only a horny bonus, but they can also cut the dog’s lead in the event of an emergency.

This is not for the faint-hearted. Many famous people have died from using this technique, such as the writer William Shatner, the relative bad boy of the 2000s, Osama Bin Laden, and the great nudist philosopher Charles ‘Maverick’ Darwin.

Foreskin holders can also use hand cremé on occasion, and such an occasion is commonly known as the posh wank.

Men with penises often like to be watched when they wank off. This is why citizens like Louis CK thought it most agreeable to schlep off his ginger cock in the dressing rooms of his fellow female comedians. 

Sadly, Louis received no early education in female psychology, so he assumed that women also like to watch, which we all know now is absolutely not true.

Is it okay for writers to wank?

It is absolutely not alright for writers to wank. Good writers are always complaining about the mental blocks that arise in the creative process, and these are almost always caused by excessive masturbation. If we look back through history at the most prolific writers, none of them ever wanked. 

Steven King is a good example of a writer who never wanked. He has produced a vast body of work. The reason for his prolific energy is that his body is filled with white jizz. You can see it coming out of his eyes sometimes. If you met him in person, you might wonder why he smells like bleach. It’s because he has jizz seeping out of his sweat glands. 

We should all learn a thing or two from King if we want to be successful. 

When writers are young, they can spunk, spunk and spunk again and then get a kebab and go to a disco. But when writers reach the tender age of forty, it becomes impossible to stay awake once they blow like Krakatoa. Anyone who has eaten turkey at a Christmas dinner has felt the effect of tryptophan, an amino acid found in turkey which causes its eater to pass out. But turkey has nothing on spunk, or the release of it anyway, which can make grown writers sleep for twenty-four hours.

How many wanks is alright?

If, after learning this vital information, you feel you must still wank, it is best to limit your wanking to three times a year. I suggest you do one on your birthday, one at Easter and one at Christmas. You can change these days according to the cultural calendar you work with. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones born on December 25th, you can wank twice on that day, although it's important to leave at least two hours between wanks since the ‘chain wank’ is a professional move which could lead to missing out on New Year's Eve due to an extended coma.

Conclusion

Don't wank if you're a writer. Just don’t do it.

But if you have to, try to limit it since creativity itself is spunk.

And if you have the primordial cock, AKA the clitosaurus, please wank as much as you like, since the jizz doesnt leave the body, instead filling the nadis with supreme bliss and longevity.

So knock yourself out.

For more information, visit www.youjizz.com.

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