Three Ways To Be a Better Husband

And no, getting a fucking six-pack isn't one of them

1. Stop Begging for Sex

Is there anything more pathetic than a guy begging for his wife to touch his ballsack?

It reminds me of Voldemort lying under the bench when Harry Potter is in the celestial Kings Cross station. He is a pathetic bastard.

If you beg your wife for sexual favours, you are a pathetic bastard too, and you should know some stuff.

Suppose your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.

It’s because you are not turning her on. And, you might start feeling sorry for yourself and thinking it’s because you don’t have a nine-inch dong and a six-pack, but in most cases, I believe you would be wrong about this.

It’s usually because you act like a fucking loser.

And nothing accentuates the image of a loser like begging your wife to touch you when she just wants to sleep or watch TV.

What makes it worse is verbalising some creepy idea that she needs to ‘put out’ more.

Listen to me. The problem is not her. It is you.

It will help if you start by becoming a better human being. Be kind to her and all the people around her. On the natural level, compassion is a beautiful quality.

Don’t misunderstand me though. It doesn’t mean you become a wet blanket.

Be strong, powerful and compassionate.

Don’t be a weak, selfish loser.

And make her laugh.

I don’t mean at inappropriate times like her grandma's funeral. I mean, make her life fun. Take the hit for her as often as you can. Be her fucking Prince Charming, not some selfish bastard that was totally different when you first met.

Become better every day, not worse.

Be aware of her life, spot any misery, and kill it like Tyron Lannister blasting a bolt through that prick Tywin’s chest. That’s your fucking job. Sacrifice your own shit to make her happy. Be her hero not some sad twat that says things like,

‘What about my needs?’

Fuck six-packs and all that.

If you’ve got one, the chances are yer are a boring bastard cos yer spend all yer time at the gym, and unless you’ve got a fitness freak of a wife, that’s not going to cut it.

Especially if yer on steroids with a shrinky dick and a shrinky temper.

If ya wanna get ripped, do it for you.

She won't complain but don't go thinking it's a pre-requisite to being attractive like all those fucking cock-knockers on social media.

Be a god damn hero, and don’t beg for sex.

If she doesn’t want it, have a wank instead and get over it.

If she’s got a problem with you wanking and she implies you are some kind of pervert, tell her she needs therapy.

She can control her body but she can't control yours and sexual humiliation is a two-way street.

Unless you enjoy being told you are a piece of shit, it’s just not cool.

Wanking is like a great fire extinguisher that puts out the flames of regrettable actions, and you should always turn to it in times of need.

• Feel like cheating on her? Have a wank instead.

• Feel like spying on the neighbour with the massive melons? Have a wank instead.

• Feel like flashing ya cock to the lady at the post office? Have a wank instead.

Wanking is your friend. Fuck this Christian moralistic culture that has forced shame into our sex lives. Wanking is natural. Shout it from the rooftops. Go on.

WANKING IS MY FRIEND. IM NOT AFRAID TO WANK.

2. Try Spunking Less

About nine years ago, I went through a phase where every time I orgasmed, I got a cramp in both legs.

This was before I met my wife, and since I was single, it ruined my dating life. Everything would be going well. We would be doing the sex, and it would come to my ‘turn’.

I would feel the mouth-watering euphoria rise as my knob started throbbing like the speakers at a Carl Cox concert.

But then both of my calves would start cramping hard. And not just a regular cramp — those two-way cramps that ya just can’t stop.

As I screamed in pain, the girls would think that I was just a loud climaxer.

One girl said she enjoyed how intense it was, but for most, it was too much.

The result of this unfortunate dilemma was that I began to wonder if there was an alternative to traditional spunking.

I started reading books by Mantak Chia. I had heard about these incredible methods of generating internal bliss by visualising electrical circuits in the body.

I tried them and they didn’t work for me.

I’m sure I am not the first guy to dream about generating orgasm without wanking, but no matter how hard I practised visualising the cells and all that, I just couldn’t have an orgasm without touching my knob.

So many people testified to the power of the Mantak Chia methods I thought it couldn’t possibly fail. But the more I practised the methods, the more I just wanted to just punch Mantak in the cock.

Eventually, I gave up and wondered how it felt to be celibate like a monk.

It was the first time in my life when I had considered not having a regular wanking schedule.

I think women would be surprised if they realised how often men wank. It’s just something we do. We love it.

Whenever you go out to the shops or to catch up with friends, and we are home, you can guarantee most times, we will start our free time with a good wank.

Anyway, I tried not wanking for a week.

The first day was the hardest (logistically speaking), the second easier, and after the third, I found it easy. In addition, I started to feel good.

But what surprised me the most was that I started to feel this strange sensation that I later realised was LOVE.

The horniness didn’t get out of control either. There is no such thing as blue balls. Wanking is like smoking. The more you wank, the more you need to wank. The horniness levelled out. It was very mellow compared to the sexual frenzy of the ‘constantly spunking’ state.

I realised that this state of love was something that men should nurture in this world.

Let's be clear here, I wasn’t being celibate, I was still having sex, I just wasn’t spunking. It’s important to know this.

Girls were shocked that I wasn’t so desperate to blow during sex. They were further amazed that I could finish a sex session and be okay with not ejaculating.

Later, when I met my wife, I found that these periods of non-spunking increased my love for her massively.

Spunking is a sedative.

Neigh, it’s a sleeping pill. It sends you into a deep sleep. And that becomes truer as you get older. As a twenty-year-old, I could bang, blow, bang again, blow again, and then go out for a kebab.

But as a forty-five-year-old, I am asleep within minutes of ejaculating.

I am the cliche guy snoring away after sex. There is something in jizz that is powerful enough to create human life, and you feel it when it leaves yer body.

They reckon turkey contains tryptophan — an enzyme that knocks you the fuck out, but not like this.

Turkey has nothing on spunk.

You could try it for a week or even a few days. Keep having sex but don’t spunk and I would be surprised if your love for, and attraction to your wife didn’t increase massively.

3. Meditate, you bastards

And, sure, now you are thinking,

fuck that. Im not sitting cross-legged listening to purple whales and burning Nag Champa.

That’s not what I meant, you idiots.

And yeah, fuck all of those shithead teachers smiling on Headspace and other apps.

When I say meditate, I mean stop following every damn thought that comes into yer head.

Get used to screening your thoughts.

‘Does this thought align with who I want to be?’

If yes, take action that corresponds to it. If no, take the opposite action.

When men become slaves to their thoughts, they also become slaves to their mostly selfish shite that is a massive cause of shit marriages or relationships, including points one and two from this article.

I'm not sucking up to women when I say they are more compassionate and practical, but that’s usually the case.

We think they are more argumentative, but that’s because (again, generally speaking) they wear their hearts on their sleeves. What they are thinking, they say. If men did the same, we would be just as argumentative. But we don’t.

Instead, we are manipulative.

We plan and scheme internally, and most of us have such a view of ourselves as ‘the good guy’ that we manipulate circumstances to fit in with that image.

It’s why we just fuck with girls until they break up with us rather than simply being honest about our feelings.

We will do anything to maintain the good guy status, which often means being an internal bad guy rather than an honest bad guy.

You have to do the fucking work on yourself.

Otherwise, you’re just another brainless dick.

And, I don’t know if you have noticed, but it is us brainless dicks that are fucking the world.

And if you start arguing with me saying women are also to blame, it is proof that yer just another brainless dick.

But I want you to know that you aren’t inherently a brainless dick. Nobody is.

‘Brainless dick’ is just a temporary condition

That’s one of the good things about the world. Everything can change. Including you.

If you do the work, you can change it.

Go on.